6 Ways to Improve Children’s Listening Skills, Plus Games!

We hear with our ears, but listening happens in the mind.

Hearing, we receive sounds. Listening requires more work. While hearing is an ability, listening is a learned skill easiest taught when children are young. The following suggestions can be used anywhere.

1. Let them choose the topic. If they expresses interest in a topic, show that you are interested, too. Be enthusiastic. Smile. Lean in. Ask questions.
2. When they rushes in full of excitement, wanting to talk, try to stop what you are doing and give them your complete attention. This sets a wonderful example, showing them how to listen actively when someone else has something to say.
3. Once a day, set aside sharing time—no electronics allowed. Chances are this sharing may become a good habit.
4. Tell them what you want and ask questions at a level that they can understand. If the message is too difficult, they will zone you out.
5. Match your body language with your verbal language. Saying one thing while doing another is confusing, especially for young children.
6. Pantomime actions when telling a story. This helps them look and listen at the same time as well as keeps their interest.

Children who are good listeners frequently grow up to communicate well with others. This important skill needs exercise, just like a muscle, to grow stronger.

Here is a list of 16 games to play, for home or school, that may improve listening skills.

This site has 15 listening games and 5 apps for young children.

Embedded within this slide share site are some interesting suggestions for improving listening skills. My favorite in this group is Running Dictation. Students are put in pairs: A & B. All students gather on one side of the room. Reading material is on the other side. Student A runs, reads, runs to student B, and tells him/her what is remembered. Student B listens and writes down what’s been dictated. Continue until dictated correctly. This is a great activity for playground or gymnasium—a grand way to combine Language Arts with Physical Education.

Other research:

https://keydifferences.com/difference-between-hearing-and-listening.html

https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/active-listening.html

             Empathy is an important trait.

            As a mom and educator, I place a high value on our children. To me there is nothing more important than their well-being. I wrote The Adventures of Charlie Chameleon series to address the topic of empathy. I found a way, through these books, to encourage empathy by writing humorous tales about the adventures of Charlie, his horribly obnoxious pet fish, Frankie, and the friends and bullies they meet along the way.

I started thinking about writing a long time before I actually did anything about it.

When I was around 8 years old, my mother had to go into the hospital for surgery. My brothers were sent to live with an aunt, uncle and cousins in the suburbs. I really wanted to go with them—my cousins were a lot of fun to be around—but it wasn’t meant to be. I was driven to my grandparents’ house in Chicago to stay for three weeks. Much to my chagrin, I also went with three weeks of homework.

My grandpa was born on a large farm in southern Ireland. He had a wry sense of humor, told wonderful stories about his life as a boy and his “mad” math teacher, and used to recite poetry to me. I adored his stories, particularly the poems. I developed a great love storytelling from him.

To introduce you to Charlie’s world I’m offering the first volume, New Beginnings, in eBook formats, free for the month of April. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/709661 , or leave a request for a Kindle version with me at http://ellenbuikema.com/contact-me/. Reviews are appreciated. I rarely send out more than one notification per month. So, no worries there.

I will be adding a page to my website, Ask Frankie, for children to ask questions of the characters in the books. The questions will be sent to the contact page above and answered on Ask Frankie! It should be interesting.

Cheers!

Ellen

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Do you wish your preschooler or toddler would JUST STOP WHINING? That your child  would go to bed maybe the second time she’s asked rather than the 100th? That your children would stop fighting, yelling, tormenting each other, making outlandish demands, or otherwise acting outrageously? If only!

Parents tend to complain about our kids’ “out of control” behavior — that our kids don’t listen, don’t behave, or don’t respect us or their siblings. But expecting young children to master impulse control is like expecting them to multiply fractions: not realistic.  Until about age 7, they just don’t have that rational brain that allows for planning, foresight, and considering others.  You can’t change that fact. But what you can change is how you react to your children’s outbursts — and in doing so prompt calmer behavior from them. When you respond with empathy rather than exasperation or outrage your children are far less likely to resist or retaliate.

Our children are going to replicate our behavior and emotional state because that’s how our brains are wired. The idea isn’t to change your children but to change how you show up and communicate with them.

Why their fury sparks our fury

You know how yawning is contagious? Or how watching someone sip an icy cold lemonade suddenly makes you thirsty?  That’s because of nerve cells in our brain called “mirror neurons”.  We humans are social animals and connect through shared emotions and experiences.  So when our children are having a big tantrum, that cues our bodies to react the same way. But mirror neurons can work in your family’s favor, too. When you stay calm, your child’s body will start replicating your emotional state.

Some children are innately more impulsive than others their age and more prone to outbursts. But no matter what your child’s temperament, or your own, you can help them develop self-control by learning to stay calm yourself.

How to respond to tantrums and meltdowns

1. Take a deep breath.

Before you say a word, let alone shout, “Do you SERIOUSLY think it’s OK to whack your brother on the head with a Pokemon binder?” inhale deeply and then slowly exhale. Those few seconds can mean the difference between flipping your lid and keeping it (somewhat tightly) sealed.

If you’re feeling too enraged to even take a deep breath, that’s your cue to exit the room until you’re able to chill out.

2. Start with empathetic statements.

Empathy is the key to unlocking your inner calm.  It’s important to let your child know you understand and accept their feelings before you say or do anything else.

So instead of, “How many times do I have to tell you it’s bedtime? Get in bed NOW!” try, “Yeah, I know, it’s so hard to go to bed when you’re having fun playing!”

A child isn’t likely to dive under the covers just because you’ve shown concern for her feelings. But, empathy opens the door to a child hearing what’s going to come next rather than becoming defensive. When children don’t feel heard, it’s like: Oh, you didn’t hear me? Then I’m just going to say it louder!

Empathy is also a much more effective response to defiance than over-explaining. Our tendency as parents is to go on and on, to repeat ourselves and try to rationalize with our child.  This is irritating to children and causes them to tune us out.

3. Resist the urge to punish.

When your children blatantly defy you or behave unacceptably (see: whacking with Pokemon lunchbox), you may feel like you want to “teach them a lesson” or “show them who’s boss.” You may think doing anything less would send the message: I’m a pushover! Go ahead, walk all over me!

In truth, inflicting shame, blame, or pain on a child will accomplish nothing good. There’s no learning opportunity when you respond with punishment. It just makes children fear their parents. Either they think I hate you or I am going to find another way to get away with this.

This doesn’t mean your child has license to hit, steal from her siblings, or party in her room until midnight. Consequences are fine — your child doesn’t need to like what’s coming — as long as they’re reasonable and delivered respectfully.

In the long run, “We’re going to put these race cars away for the night, and you guys can play with them tomorrow,” will do more for your children than, “Go to your room NOW — both of you! And forget playing with these cars for a week!”

Kids do better when they feel better.

4. Let your child chill.

These days, our children’s lives are so filled with gadgets, activities, and demands that kids often use up their limited reserves of self-control. If we’re constantly asking children to perform tasks or follow our requests they’ll become less and less successful.

Scheduled downtime and small play breaks in chores or homework will help your children recharge, behave better, and accomplish what you need them to.

5. Model self-control and restraint.

If every time your phone beeps you pick it up, you’re not modeling impulse control for your children.  Likewise, if you shout, “Jerk! Nobody knows how to drive around here!” when a car cuts you off, you’re not demonstrating how to remain calm.  We can’t expect children to be able to control their emotions when we don’t.

How you respond to frustration and disappointment will strongly influence how your child responds to these strong emotions. Try, “Oh man, I just dropped the dinner salad on the floor! How frustrating! I’m going to take a deep breath and then I will need to clean up this mess and start over.”

As your children mature, they’ll naturally develop more self-control, but you can make a big difference along the way. Just keep your expectations for impulse control age-appropriate. Toddlers and preschoolers’ brains are still very much under construction.

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24 Karat Carrot Cake

In the early 80s, while working for an A/V department deep in the dungeon of a major corporation, I received several recipes from an intern in the Advertising department. Of all the recipes, the carrot cake had the most promise. I’ve made adjustments over the years and developed what has been described to me as the best carrot cake ever.

At the end of the blog there is an opportunity to click the cake to have the recipe sent to you. That way you can decide for yourself if this 24 Karat Carrot Cake is indeed the best.

In early December I volunteered to make the cake for a writers’ party.

It had been quite a while since I last made carrot cake, much to my hubby’s chagrin. The last time I made it, I’d used a grater that has a container attached. I looked everywhere, but could not find it. So, I ended up using the flat grater, only scrapped one knuckle, and did not add any of myself to the batter.

Since I was using my older grater there was little to stop the bright orange carrot pieces from flying about the kitchen—only my body and the counter top. This made Bailey, our black lab, very happy. He graciously helped me clean up the pieces that landed on the floor.

The cake comes out of the pans most easily if you “grease” and flour them lightly before adding the batter. Instead of using lard or Crisco, as my mother did to grease the pans, I use an olive oil-butter combination. There are several on the market.

While preparing the pans I tend to get especially messy, hence the use of my old apron—a gift from a principal I worked for in New Mexico. At his school, all the teachers got together near the holidays in the school cafeteria to make cookies with the students. He’d play the piano while we sang and helped students cut out cookies and decorate them after the cookies were baked.

I have never gotten this bumpy batter even in each pan. Close but not quite right seems to work out anyway. Back when we lived near Chicago, one of our neighbors (a former dietician) remarked that there were so many good-for-you items in the cake, she almost felt healthy eating it.

The cake bakes best in the center of the oven. Convection ovens are great! The cake comes out so nice and even! I remember baking two layer cakes, like this one, and ending up with some amazingly angled cakes. It was no fun trying to keep the layers glued together with frosting, hoping the top layer wouldn’t slide right off.

After beating together ingredients for the frosting, I set aside a small amount to use for a decoration on the top of the cake.

Does this picture remind you of a giant Moon Pie?

I could have stopped at this but . . .

Since I can rarely leave well enough alone, I used toothpicks to “paint” a carrot complete with carrot top on the cake. I am one of those people who can taste the red color in some food coloring, so I am careful with what I use. The Wilton gel colors worked out well.

If you would like the recipe for 24 Karat Carrot Cake, click the decorated cake and ask for it on the contact page. I will send the recipe and more to you. Cheers!

Click the 24 Karat Carrot Cake

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Tired teens of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

 “Just five more minutes, then I’ll get up. I promise.” How many times have you heard that statement?

More time passes. No movement from the bedroom. You awaken a drowsy, cranky, sleep deprived teen. The rush for the day is on!

“Get dressed and ready for school,” you say as you’re walking toward the kitchen. “NO! There’s no way you’re leaving the house dressed like that.” “Wait, have some breakfast!”

Your teen is out and gone. You hope a call won’t come from the school office that your child has fallen asleep in class—again.

There is debate on the length of time an adolescent requires for a good night sleep. Anywhere between 7 and a half and 9 and a half hours are suggested. As everyone’s bodily needs are different, it makes perfect sense that sleep requirements will need to fit the individual. If you need an alarm clock to rise for the day, you’re probably not getting enough sleep. More than just teens are sleep deprived.

There is a biological shift in the internal clock of an adolescent that happens after puberty, a shift of about two hours—later. It is unfortunate that high schools tend to start the school day early as the students are barely functioning when they arrive.

Teens may be up late texting, working, playing online, or studying. Sleepy students are moody, have poor reaction time, poor judgment, and are inattentive. The following suggestions may help.

• Keep the bedroom dark. It’s hard to sleep when the sun is visible or a streetlight is shining through a window.
• Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day.
• Meditate or nap for a short time after getting home from school.
• Avoid stimulating activities, food, or drink prior to bedtime.

Self-medicating with caffeine

It is generally not a good idea to consume caffeine before bed, as it will keep many people awake. But some people who were highly active as children self-medicate with coffee throughout the day. It keeps them relaxed and better able to focus—the opposite of the effect for the rest of the population. To a hyperactive individual, stimulants are calming so caffeine may not be an issue for them.

Buikema, Ellen L. (2014). Parenting . . . A Work in Progress. Sun City West, AZ: Running Horse Press

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=194802 Sleepy Teens are Risk-Taking Teens

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Earlier this month, my wonderful father-in-law passed away. This got me thinking about the cycle of life and how confusing the concept of death can be for children who are seldom exposed to end-of-life experiences.

When I worked as a preschool teacher, a mother of one of my Pre-K students came to school with her youngest daughter. Mom’s eyes were red from crying. We walked into the hallway, out of earshot. I asked if she needed help and was told she’d recently discovered that both of her children had been diagnosed with a fatal disease. Neither of them would live beyond their teen years.

Wanting to help, I asked if there was anything that we at the school could do. Looking me straight in the eyes she said, “Just continue to care for my baby. She enjoys coming to school and loves her teachers.” All I could do was give mom a hug. I found it difficult to keep from tearing up during that day.

After speaking with the other teachers, the school’s director and the parent board, we added the topic of death to our curriculum. First we asked the students if they had any pets. The classmates contributed to a graph of the different types and numbers of pets for math. The students dictated stories about pets for language arts.

Later in the week during group time, one of the students mentioned that he had a dog but the dog died and now lived in heaven. My students, still learning how to take turns in conversations, tried to wait their turn to speak about pets that had died, then on to family members.

Preschool aged children do not see death as final. They have no sense of time and do not understand that death is irreversible. If a child is told that the pet or person is only sleeping, he will believe that the loved one will eventually wake up. By age seven, most children understand that death is final and that eventually all livings things die.

Children will have less anxiety about death if they are given the opportunity to discuss it.

My children had several pets during their childhood. When the pets died, we had a funeral for them and talked about what we loved about that particular pet. Our youngest daughter was very sad about the death of her gerbil, Brownie. After the funeral, she sat with me in the living room. “Brownie can’t come back to us, but the part of him that you loved best will live in your heart and in your memory,” I said, “so, in a way, he is with you. It was just his body that died.”

Acknowledging children’s feelings and questions, even on topics that are difficult for the adults in their lives, is very important.

Resources:

http://www.cruse.org.uk/Children/children-understanding-death

http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html

Buikema, Ellen L. (2014). Parenting . . . A Work in Progress (pp. 103-107). Sun City West, AZ: Running Horse Press.

Photos from funeralsources.com and fukuoka-now.com